Incompetence

I am so tired of jumping though hoops. Because that is all that applying to PhD programs feels like. I spend day after day writing essays for the programs, variations on the first one I wrote, proofreading carefully to make sure I have caught and changed all the references to the last university I applied to.

Only to catch a typo somewhere else in the essay that I have sent in to every single fucking university to this point.

Then I catch that I accidentally submitted an unfinished application online instead of saving it to finish later like I thought.

Then I notice that the deadline for a program is later than I though and I could have requested all the transcripts and letters of rec go back to me so that I can include them in one packet like the instructions state.

Then I find out that I may or may not have missed the deadline for one of the schools I am applying to.

This two weeks after scoring worse on the GRE this time then I did four years ago.

I feel so incompetent. I don't feel like I have the time to do any of this right so I mess up right and left. But there is no time to slow down because these deadlines come one after the other... And if I wait to do this later, I won't be going to school in the fall.

This is ridiculous. I know I can do graduate level work, PhD level work, I know I can. I am even confident of my ability to pay for and complete the program. I am just not sure I can get in the door to accomplish these goals.

There are worse things going on in the world and people suffering far greater than me. But here is where I am at this exact moment, frustrated, slightly overwhelmed and ready to quit everything.